Category Archives: I used to be Popular

Not in school, or really as an adult. But I had friends, and regardless of the quality, I at least had someone to talk to besides this blog.

The Otherside of Friendship

So, my regular readers may be quite familiar with the Sans Besties post that I made a few days ago – and the fact that my husband chimed in this morning with his thoughts on friendship (it’s in the comments).

I know there is another side of friendship. Because I see it all the time with my kiddos. In fact, our house is routinely filled with 4 sixteen year olds and 2 eleven year olds, something I’m quite fond of.

The 16 year olds hang out together constantly, they lean on each other when things aren’t going right, they study endlessly at our dining room table, they have sushi together, they shop together, they get on each other’s nerves, they say things like “tots adorbs” and “cutesy” and have inside jokes. They celebrate each other’s birthdays, they hurt each other’s feelings, but they’re there for each other. The four of them. From an outsider’s perspective they are four completely different individuals, but somehow they work.

A 16th birthday toast. Don't have a granny fit, it's sprite.

 

 Gabby’s friendships are maturing. They are much like mini marriages, there are fights and bickering, giggles, jokes, hurt feelings, laughing, singing – and there is time to grow them in to something really special but for now, they are hovering in extremes – from putting on way too much lip gloss and make up to seem more grown up to spending a Saturday morning playing hide and seek and karaoking, talking about boys, playing m.a.s.h but still sleeping with their stuffed animals.

Gabby (right) and her friend. Bows and lipgloss.

I’m grateful for both ages and stages of friendship in this house and I hope they never get to the kermudgenly grumpy old age that I am in friendships.

And I hope they never quit filling this home with kids.
 
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Sans Besties

Does this image piss anyone else off?

Prior to moving 150 miles away three years ago, I never thought much about my friendships. I mean, I thought about them, but I didn’t need to sit an analyze them, and I certainly didn’t need to miss them. The people in my life were people who had been there for most of my time on this earth, and those who hadn’t were at least walking along the same walks of life as I was (small children, negligent husbands, a love for PTA and Cheer, etc). You get busy in life, but these people seemed to roll with the punches with me.
There were a few friends that really set themselves a part from everyone else, but in the depths of honesty, there were no “bests” whatever “best” means when referring to friendships, there were none that were so strong that they stood the test of the move across cities.. The few that I valued the deepest for whatever reason found ways to be hurtful and the recovery is slow if at all.

Those that I thought I was the closest to either went awol when I got divorced or went Awol when I/they moved away.

My husband is mr. social, or – at least he was before we quit drinking. He had friends of all sorts, but many were super super heavy drinkers and I found myself allowing them around my kids in that state and even acting as part of that – I hate that, so this rehab thing to me meant we werent going there anymore. That wasn’t going to be a part of our lives anymore.

So this past weekend when Bald Lover wanted to go out with old friends all weekend it lead to an arguement (there were some I was excited about but others not so much). He yelled (and he never yells) “you just don’t want any friends”

to which I responded by promptly getting up and leaving to go get caffiene from our local convenience store before I lost it.

I really think he’s right.

I clearly don’t want close friends.

I don’t know whats wrong with that? It’s not like I complain about it.

I don’t have the energy to start over, the energy to be hurt again, I just don’t have “close” or “best” in me anymore.

Those who have great close friendships, who have besties who know all their secrets, who have girls surrounding them who would always be there for them no matter what for wine and pedicures and babysitting and bringing meals when your sick and giggles and inside secrets — those of you who have that are entirely lucky and much better at friendships than I am.

I promised my husband I would work on this, but I dont even know where to begin to sort though it or why it’s important. Too many former hurts and I admit my role in fallen friendships, but I just don’t have the energy for besties anymore. My surface friends are much easier to avoid hurt with.

lovelinks
 
(props to Ericka for pointing out the incorrect spelling in the main image)
 

The Pail List (short, non bucket) :)

No, it’s not a bucket list – I won’t be climbing Mountains or swimming with killer sharks, but it’s my pail list – things I’ve been putting off, things that NEED doing – things I avoid, things that suck to admit the truth about, things that are just too hard to do sometimes without putting them next to numbers on a list and placing them for all the public to read. Not that it will make me more accountable or anything, just make me look like a fool when they never get crossed off. So here they are, in no particular order because obviously my kids mean more to me than the dentist:

  1. Get Mouth Fixed – I have a couple new cavities, two baby teeth and an adult tooth that is coming through the top side of my mouth that will need surgical extraction. While I’m awake. Quit putting it off.
  2. Weigh in the 130s I’m only a few pounds away, but I haven’t been in the 130s since I was single. This time I’d like to be in the 130s WITHOUT my husband leaving me first
  3. Be social in real life. Like, OMG, quit avoiding people, answer the phone, reply to texts, go places when I’m invited. When did I get so damn old and kermudgenly?
  4. Be active in my community – it’s one thing I had in Tulsa – I was the cheer pres, soccer organizer, on the PTA, super involved in my church and now? I’m not. I’m just not. I’m not sure where I lost me in all of this.
  5. Volunteer – another thing that evaporated from my existence in the transition to OKC
  6. Spend absolute quality time with the kids/hubs (like, not in front of the TV or just nodding rapidly while they talk and I’m on the computer or something. Pay some freaking attention. Before they’re all gone.
  7. Get back to those activities that make me happy. You remember, beading, refunding, reading, anything else but the computer, tv, or the backs of my eyelids.
  8. Seek out that friend I’ve been missing out on. Old BFF moved away, we don’t talk. I’ve been denying needing that in my life. Might be time to accpt the facts and seek it out. Maybe.

So now it’s in black and white. Those numbered black and white lines highlight where I went from normal mom to loser in a new town. I’ve been here 2.5 years, might be time to accept it or something?

Tell me something on your pail list. Make me feel better 🙂

Two Years, Still Lost

I relocated to Oklahoma City in May of 2009. I was excited having lived in Tulsa my whole big life because I needed a break from my past, the creepily haunting past that seemed to be everywhere following my fourteen year marriage ending in divorce, I was over him and had been for about two years before we divorced, but everywhere I looked were the crazy things that you don’t think about day to day when you’re married. Like the coffee shop I would pass each day on the way to work – the coffee shop that we argued about daily because if he wasn’t in school, “working,” with his best friend (I often wonder what they did in their alone time) or with his girl friend (not a story I want to retell) then his butt was planted in that coffee shop. Or I would run in to his parents, who I love, but they were always snooping for information about my single life, or offering judgemental looks, or I’d pass right by his apartment that he carefully chose six blocks away at the end of my street – it was everywhere, and I was done with it.

Now in previous years of my life, when I visited this town, I never really liked it. It seemed busy, a little dirty, and excessively foreign. But this time I would have someone who knew the ins and outs of OKC, and plus, I kind of really liked him and couldn’t imagine being away from him 🙂

Now two years have passed and I still know no one, I still can barely get from point A to point B, and my kids still haven’t adjusted to the move. I thought for certain by this time we’d have friends pouring out of our ears and be very involved in our community. To date, it’s still just us, in a big strange foreign land.

Friendship


As we walk our path of life,
We meet people everyday.
Most are simply met by chance.
But, some are sent our way.”

 

Today I’m thankful for my true friends -those who stand beside me when I’m going through a rough time, and stand up for me when I can’t. I’m thankful for those simple phone calls to check in and see what’s new, and those hours laughing and gossiping over drinks. I’m thankful for old friends who have returned to my life after lengthy gaps, and new friends that hold promise of great things. I’m thankful for nights spent learning to belly dance in our pajamas, and days spent watching our children go crazy while we try to have a simple lunch. I’m grateful for becoming a princess with a tiara for my birthday, and for buttery nipples, I’m grateful for prayers, prayer chains, and phone calls to see how the heart tests went. I’m thankful for friends who tuck my children into bed when I’m horribly ill and in bed. I’m thankful for friends who borrow my eggs to make me cake for my birthday, and friends who laugh at me because they know my life is nothing without comedy. I’m grateful for friends who sit in a corner at Barnes and Noble until midnight reading sex books with me just to make fun of them, and friends who scrapbook with me when I’m having an old woman moment. I’m thankful for friends who drive my car when I’m too tired, and friends who send me flowers when I’ve had a bad dental experience. I’m thankful for friends who help me clean out my house and have an estate sale, and for friends who encourage me to believe in myself. I’m grateful for friends who want to spend time with me, and friends who send me random text messages that make no sense at all. I’m thankful for friends who are proud of who I am, and not embarrassed or ashamed of our friendship, I’m thankful for those friends who know not to call at 8 on a Thursday because my favorite show is on, but cause my phone to ring off the wall at 9PM. I’m thankful for friends who let me experience their pregnancies, knowing I can’t have more of my own. I’m thankful for friends who are true, who know that there is no need to put up a front, friends who call because they care, not because they feel obligated, friends that love and accept my children and my husband, my religion and my political views, my failures and my successes, my immaturity and my occassional old-ass bitterness, friends who appreciate that I’m outspoken and well aware that I’m a loose cannon and you never know what ludicrous thing may come from my mouth.

This first week of Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for friendship, you know who you are, I thank God for you and I pray that I can be the same kind of blessing in your life.