Sans Besties

Does this image piss anyone else off?

Prior to moving 150 miles away three years ago, I never thought much about my friendships. I mean, I thought about them, but I didn’t need to sit an analyze them, and I certainly didn’t need to miss them. The people in my life were people who had been there for most of my time on this earth, and those who hadn’t were at least walking along the same walks of life as I was (small children, negligent husbands, a love for PTA and Cheer, etc). You get busy in life, but these people seemed to roll with the punches with me.
There were a few friends that really set themselves a part from everyone else, but in the depths of honesty, there were no “bests” whatever “best” means when referring to friendships, there were none that were so strong that they stood the test of the move across cities.. The few that I valued the deepest for whatever reason found ways to be hurtful and the recovery is slow if at all.

Those that I thought I was the closest to either went awol when I got divorced or went Awol when I/they moved away.

My husband is mr. social, or – at least he was before we quit drinking. He had friends of all sorts, but many were super super heavy drinkers and I found myself allowing them around my kids in that state and even acting as part of that – I hate that, so this rehab thing to me meant we werent going there anymore. That wasn’t going to be a part of our lives anymore.

So this past weekend when Bald Lover wanted to go out with old friends all weekend it lead to an arguement (there were some I was excited about but others not so much). He yelled (and he never yells) “you just don’t want any friends”

to which I responded by promptly getting up and leaving to go get caffiene from our local convenience store before I lost it.

I really think he’s right.

I clearly don’t want close friends.

I don’t know whats wrong with that? It’s not like I complain about it.

I don’t have the energy to start over, the energy to be hurt again, I just don’t have “close” or “best” in me anymore.

Those who have great close friendships, who have besties who know all their secrets, who have girls surrounding them who would always be there for them no matter what for wine and pedicures and babysitting and bringing meals when your sick and giggles and inside secrets — those of you who have that are entirely lucky and much better at friendships than I am.

I promised my husband I would work on this, but I dont even know where to begin to sort though it or why it’s important. Too many former hurts and I admit my role in fallen friendships, but I just don’t have the energy for besties anymore. My surface friends are much easier to avoid hurt with.

(props to Ericka for pointing out the incorrect spelling in the main image)

19 responses to “Sans Besties

  1. If it makes you feel any better, the word separated is misspelled in the image, so what do they know?

    When you go out and meet friends with Bald Lover, they don’t have to be your best friends. You can be cordial, you can be friendly, you can make your husband happy by getting out of the house with him. Food for thought.

    Thanks for linking up with lovelinks!

  2. I am going through the same thing right now! I find my self not responding to texts and hitting ignore when my cell rings. I don’t know why though. I have been going to bed early and just not wanting to “hang out” with people. Just no desire :(…Good luck with yours! Love you even though I never talk or see you anymore 🙂

  3. I’ve never really had a desire for best friends like that. It may sound bad, but I just think it’s too much work. I already have work to go to…and a husband and kids and pets. That’s a pretty busy life! I’d rather just hang out at home with my husband. Fortunately for me (in this circumstance), my husband’s not at all social, so he doesn’t want to go out and be with people either. We can just share on the internet if we need support, right? 🙂

  4. I have a similar issue with not wanting to meet or socialize w. my husband’s co-workers – they change over time, get fired, promoted, have some kind of a rift – so I’m not willing anymore to put in the time it takes to build a friendship that I suspect may not last. I think you are right to hold back right now. The other thing I really suggest (mind if I butt into your life here for a minute…) is ALANON, ALANON, ALANON. Go to a meeting – it’s a haven for spouses of alcoholics. The shit really does hit the fan when someone gets sober, and the spouse has to carry way more than is fair. Alanon is an oasis and you my dear are right smack in the eye of the storm right now. Take care…

  5. 😦 Sometimes proximity and timing are everything. And I’ve found that a “bestie” in high school is completely different from an adult “bestie” – since families and spouses and other obligations take up so much time and energy – first. But hang in there, it’s worth it to have a few close friends, even if it takes time to find them.

  6. I have close friends, but not because I went looking for them.
    I have friends from school that I have managed to hold on to, and when we talk it is kind of like we never stopped talking.
    I have friends that I see weekly for lunch/pedis/shopping

    but I also have been burned … badly … to the point that it was tearing my family apart … by so called “friends”
    there are times that I don’t want to be around my friends (or my own family, for that matter)
    there are times I wish I didn’t feel obligated to do anything for them, listen to them, or even pretend that I cared anything for them

    sometimes being a friend is just too much damned trouble and it makes having friends difficult and unappealing

    I think we are all entitled to feel that way. some people choose to live that way (I know a handful of people who have no one but family – and they’d probably ditch the family if they could!) and they go about life just fine.

    I tend to get that way when I’m in a difficult place with myself … when I am reevaluating the direction in which I’m headed or I’m just focused inwardly.

    sometimes I just need to be with me!

    it kind of sounds like that is the path you are on right now. once you get comfortable with you and where you are at, the rest will fall into place.

    . . . just a thought from someone who was touched by what you wrote

  7. For me, the hardest thing is maintaining a super close relationship w/ another woman when I always, always, always put my husband & children first. When a person is rather introverted and a bit of a homebody, how does one maintain friendship on the level usually expected of you?? This is a dilemma for me. Or maybe I just truly suck as a friend. :\
    There are people in my life (friends) who mean SO much to me. Yet, I could go days w/o calling them or be unable to even spend quality time with them for weeks. They probably don’t realize how important they are to me or how much I think of them as I go about my daily life. That’s actually a very sad thing to consider right now.

  8. I can relate. There comes a point in our lives when we move on to other things, things our old friends aren’t interested in, things that are far more grown up than what we used to be into. When you have kids, you can basically forget about friends for a while. Unless, of course, they also have kids, in which case you might be able to get together. I don’t know. Life isn’t what it used to be when we were younger, and I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that.

  9. It’s so hard to put yourself out there when you’ve been hurt. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and think people have the best intentions and think we’re going to BFFs! And then I get hurt and feel like a fool. It’s sad, but it’s made me a less trusting, much for suspicious person. I hope that one day you will find a really good, if not, best friend.

  10. I have a lot of friends that I consider close friends and different ones that I ‘use’ for different aspects of my life. But I have also lost a lot of these close friends over what I consider to feel petty occurances so I understand why you would choose to avoid them altogether. I love your honesty.

  11. I have a problem with best friend myself… I don’t really have any. I can say so & so is my best friend, but in reality, I am no one’s best friend. I am a recluse who likes to have fun from time to time but mostly likes to stay home or spend time with my significant other… Currently, my husband, but it’s been like this all my life.I’ve had a few temporary best friends but they hurt me one way or the other… & I haven’t had a best friends since high school. It makes me sad… but I don’t know what to do about it.

    • That’s exactly where I am. Can’t help it. I used to love popularity in high school, now I’d just rather curl up with the family and chill. Not in to putting myself out there anymore 🙂

  12. Once again, you write about something I can 110% relate to. We moved a little over a year ago for my husbands job. And with that came a whole lot of hurt and disappointment in the close friendships I thought I had prior to moving. What makes it even more hurtful (for me anyway) is that we only moved 2 hours away; and I can count on one hand how many of my “near and dear friends” from back home have even cared enough to come visit me. It’s always “Oh, well give me a call next time you’re in town. Maybe we could hook up for lunch or something.”

  13. The font pisses me off, for sure!

  14. What a very honest post. And it’s absurd to think that nothing changes in a best friendship or any relationship, for that matter, even the ones we have with ourselves. Life is change.

  15. I generally choose to abstain from offering any opinion on the vast range of topics you write about, Momwhich. But …. I see a friend as someone who I draw from and offer to a wide range of things… compassion, sympathy, trust, understanding, unconditionality. As a young(er) man, having best-level friendships helped me to avoid selfishness and learn to resolve issues and cooperate. These are people with whom I share my experiences and from whom I can learn when they reciprocate over how they get through life when it gets rough. For me, love in friendship goes beyond casual acquaintance, and has enhanced so many of the things I have experienced in life. While I have had countless surface-level friendships, I have also managed to be blessed with decades-old ones, as well as a few newer relationships which I hope will continue to bloom. Perhaps that is what’s different about me – I see these as relationships, rather than bodies that fill time while the kids are away. Why not have all I can get?
    I’ve been burned by close ones and not so close ones. Yet I still desire those who remain, and look forward to those who are still out there to discover.
    I owe my life to God, to my wife and family, and to my friends.
    Hugs, Kisses, Love and Friendship,
    Bald Lover

  16. Pingback: The Otherside of Friendship «

  17. Pingback: The Otherside of Friendship |

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