I suck, you know that, and still you’re here.

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November 4th was my husbands 1 year anniversary with sobriety.
He was all ready to celebrate his hard work and dedication to making his life, our life better.
But I was not in the mood to celebrate. Sure, I told him “nice work” or whatever.
But that about summed it up.
He was ready to celebrate the choice he made a year ago to change his life before he died.
I was ready to be hateful all day as I recalled that a year ago was nothing for me to celebrate – home in a new town, alone, no way to pay the bills, no way to talk to him, and after the fight the previous night, I was pretty sure my marriage was over, and now he was thousands of miles away in rehab while the kids cried sure that their life was crumbling once again.
It’s not a day I wanted to celebrate.
And since he’s been back, he’s been gone 3-4 nights a week “rehabbing” rendering me a widow to recovery.

This is where if I had a best friend she might say something like “You bitter old bitch, self centered much?”

Really Brandy?

I feel so guilty it’s hard to even type this out.

In the past year his life change has been overwhelmingly noticable. If you can’t tell it’s changed him on the inside by his calm, patient demeanor, his loving ways, his dedication to the program, his prayers, then you can tell it on the outside, his eyes are brighter, white and not yellow, his gaze isn’t distant, his skin is healthy, he’s made a 100% life change.

It’s not about the fact that we had to reach the very mucky bottom of our relationship before it made the turn, it’s not about what we had to go through, or the things we said to each other or all the hurt that was wrapped up in that stupid beer bottle – that’s not what he was celebrating.
It’s about the fact that even at the lowest of lows, he had the strength and the determination to pull himself away from his grim future and that I chose to stick around and support him.

It’s time to get the hell over it, Brandy.

So today, four days after his soberversary, I’m admitting my ignorance, begging his forgiveness for my resentful ways. Realizing I missed out on one of the best reasons to celebrate that we may have ever had together.

Bald Lover, you are my rock.

Happy one year, and four days.

I suck, you know that, and still you’re here.

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25 responses to “I suck, you know that, and still you’re here.

  1. Oh wow, what a brave post! I can see why you found it a hard day to celebrate, but it’s wonderful that, in your own time, you came to see how special a day it was. Congrats to bald lover on such a huge acheivement.

  2. Congrats to your hubby on his 1 year!
    (I just got my 20 year chip. It can be done.)
    The biggest help for you would be to go to Alanon meetings – seriously. They are so helpful for families of alcoholics. They will help you “get through” this “addicted to rehab/God” phase, and help you to fill the hole that might be inside of you – you know? Also – they will help to guide and prepare you (God forbid) for how to deal with the possibility of relapse in the future. Really – go to Alanon meetings – they saved my ass in more ways than I can count!!

    • Wow. 20 years. That’s such a huge accomplishment. Is it really still one day at a time after 20 years? Sometimes I just want to say “I’m tired of one day at a time, let’s plan the next week”
      I tried alanon, but everyone there was so angry so I stopped going. After reading my post, I guess I really need to be there to sort this stuff out.

  3. So brave of you and very moving. You make me hope to celebrate the good-since-thens of my own life-changing traumas, instead of wallowing in the misery of having had them in the first place. I wish you a peaceful marriage forever.

  4. Good for you for reflecting and recognizing your mistake. Not that you don’t have a reason to feel the way you do, because you DO, but good that you realized it is important to celebrate the important things as they come around. Happy 1 year and 4 days to you.

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  6. The good news is that you were able to step back and reflect on your reaction, embrace it, and then acknowledge that you want to move past the hurt and anger and celebrate the good. Sometimes relationships have to get to the ultimate low before they can be rebuilt. It sure makes is hard, but it doesn’t make it impossible!

  7. Being no stranger to loved ones going through rehab, I totally get your initial feelings… and the second set … and the finally being able to celebrate. It is so hard on and for EVERYone! You are a brave and giving woman 🙂 Congrats to your man! And to you 🙂

  8. My husband’s father battles with alcoholism, and I know the toll it takes on his wife. I think you don’t suck. I think you’re human, and I think it’s admirable that you are supportive in a way that your man needs but a way that keeps you sane as well. 🙂

    • Thank you!!! My father was also an alcoholic, I have seen what it did to my mother during those years, and then somehow I fell in love with an alcoholic too 🙂 Funny how that works.

  9. My husband made the choice to be sober 3 1/2 yrs ago. It was a sacrifice for him too as he looovvved to drink. We are also new to the town we now live in. And I will say, even though I’d never want him to “fall off the wagon” it is very hard to socialize and make friends since he doesn’t drink. He tries, but it’s hard for him sometimes. It is very lonely living in a town where you hardly know anyone; however, I’ll take that any day over dealing with what I dealt with back when he was a drinker.

    • Isn’t it so incredibly hard to make friends? It is very lonely, but you’re right, it’s much better than the alternative, the late nights, the hangovers, the angry outbursts. Congrats to your family for surviving those times and now being at 3.5 years.

  10. I have addiction in my family…it’s very hard for me to let go of the negative impact of the past. You have both accomplished a LOT by spending a year sober together. That is huge. Congratulations.

  11. Congratulations to your husband on his first year! Anything is possible if you want it badly enough. Addiction is in my family as well – we know how hard it can be. The first year is a huge accomplishment.

  12. I read it twice, if that tells you anything. I love your courage in writing this. Sniff. SNIFF! Congratulations to both of you for going through the pits of hell and coming out, together.

    Warm regards,

    Trish

    http://contemplatinghappiness.blogspot.com/2011/11/chapter-1-light-in-mountains.html

  13. Congratulations to him on such a huge step.
    And also to you, for such a huge step.

  14. That’s big for BOTH of you. LOTS of kudos.

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  16. I just stumbled across your post on lovelinks and I’m so glad I did. My husband’s been sober for 2 1/2 years now. And I’m so glad he is. But there are still days that it’s hard to deal with. For me, it’s like I wish we could truly just move on, and I know that’s really selfish. It was a huge thing for him to stop drinking, and I’m grateful that he did, or I don’t think we’d still be together. He doesn’t go to any kind of AA or rehab anymore. He did his initial detox and rehab stint for a month, but he hasn’t been back since then. It wasn’t his kind of thing, and the month served its purpose and got him to stop drinking. His willpower has kept him from drinking. What’s frustrating for me is that he’ll bring it up as an excuse sometimes. At least that’s the way I feel. I’m sure it’s not an excuse for him. But he can’t handle me leaving him alone in an evening, because what if? What if he’s tempted to go get some alcohol? I have to be careful to not bring anything with any alcohol content in the house, including mouthwash, vanilla extract, cough medicine… I’m sure I sound terrible. I always remind myself that life is so much better than it was when he was drinking! I just wanted to say that I think I know some of how you feel. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thanks for stopping by. I understand every bit of what you’re saying, all the “what ifs” — My husband is the complete opposite though, he goes to every meeting he can, he calls it his lifeline, and the way he drank before he went to rehab, I truly believe it is a LIFE line for him. Did you go to any Alanon meetings?

      • I tried out Alanon for a few weeks, but I just didn’t feel like it made a difference for me. The meetings I went to were more people dealing with their loved ones continuing to drink. My husband had stopped, and I wanted to move on with him, so I didn’t keep attending Alanon. From what I hear, different meetings have a different feel, so I suppose I could have tried a different meeting, but I didn’t think I needed it. I still don’t, especially now that my husband’s been sober over two years, but it sneaks up on you sometimes, you know?

  17. Congratulations to both of you. It’s a long journey. You are very brave to share this with us. {{{hugs}}}

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